(This
article was first published in San Antonio Woman, January/February
2003)
Re-Establish
Parental Authority
Develop
a contract for improved behavior
By Rosemary
Stauber
When
parents come to me for help, they are frequently complaining that
their children are out of control. They assert they must nag and nag
at their kids to get them to do anything around the house. Pronounce
them smart-mouthed; and declare they are not doing well in
school.
These children are not out of control, they are very much IN control
of you; the household and the family dynamic. And, it is important to
know that children are very uncomfortable being in charge of the
family.
To re-establish parental authority, while still recognizing the
children as important members of the family, I recommend Behavioral
Contracting. As the children gain a sense of importance within the
family, they grow in self-esteem. Positive self-esteem is probably
the most important attribute we can facilitate in our children. And,
as they begin to feel that positive self-esteem, they become much
easier to deal with.
This approach to contracting with children is based on behavior
modification theories and makes four assumptions:
- One, that
receiving rewards (i.e., reinforcement) from another person is a
privilege to be earned rather than a right.
- Two, that
people do work in order to get something they want. For example,
adults work for pay.
- Three, the
more an individual does, the more reward he or she can
gain.
- Four, that
choice is part of the bargain. If the reward is not worth the
cost, the child has the right to decide not to perform the
behavior.
Guidelines
for developing your own family contract:
Get
input from all family members about the rewards. Ideally, everyone
who will be affected by the contract will be involved in developing
it. This means certain new behaviors from the children in the family
(regular and prompt attendance at school, getting up on time, going
to bed on time, doing their homework, cleaning up after themselves,
etc.) In exchange they will receive rewards in the form of activities
that they like (going to movies, talking on the telephone, etc.),
privileges (e.g., staying up a half hour later), money or certain
items (CDs, videos, games, etc.) If the child resists participating
in building the contract, the parents can do it by themselves.
- Be certain
that the reward is something the child wants.
- Make the
terms of the contract clear, and put the basic contract in
writing. State what behaviors are wanted and what the rewards will
be. Describe the activity you want in detail. Leave no
loopholes.
- Make the
contract fair. Balance the reward with the job. A good rule of
thumb‚ is minimum wage based on how long it takes YOU
to do the job. If it takes you an hour, and it takes the child two
hours, you pay minimum wage (or its equivalent) for ONE
hour.
- State the
contract in positive terms. Offer the reward for something done,
not for NOT behaving in a certain way. (For example, for sitting
quietly when guests are present, rather than for not being
noisy.
- Start small.
Reward frequently with small amounts. (For example, break
"cleaning the kitchen" into its components and reward for each
part: clear the table, wash dishes, put away the dishes, sweep the
floor, etc.) The younger the child, the more important this
guideline is.
- Reward
AFTER the job is done to your satisfaction.
- Reward
accomplishments and behaviors, NOT obedience and feelings.
(It is important, for emotional well-being, for the child to be
encouraged to express feelings, positive and
negative–in a respectful
manner.)
- Be
systematic with the contract.
- establish a
system for adding items that were not included in the original
contract.
- establish a
periodic review of accomplishments. Make a pleasant ritual out of
it. (Weekly works for kids 8 and older; daily for younger
children.)
- Let your
children know you are pleased with their accomplishments and
encourage them to be pleased with themselves. (Children do
want to please their parents.) This does not mean you can get by
without the reward, however. The reward is what gets the behavior
in the first place!
- Remember the
element of choice. If your child chooses not to perform the
behavior, it is her/his right. You may want to rethink the reward,
to make the behavior more attractive. For example, be sure the
reward is something your child really wants and that it is fair in
exchange for the desired behavior.
Charting
is an excellent way to give the young child a visual reminder of
their progress. Use the chart to record behaviors and give points.
For younger children, the chart itself, along with the congratulatory
words are often reward enough. List the target behaviors and put a
gold star, or another kind of marker to indicate success. A certain
number of markers can then be exchanged for goods or privileges at
the end of the day for younger children and at the end of the week
for older youth. Download a sample chart,
thewellnessweb.com/chart.html.
Rosemary
J. Stauber, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in San Antonio and
founding executive director of the Bexar County Women's
Center.