Contracting
by
Rosemary
J. Stauber, PhD
I
learned about contracting with youngsters out of desperate need. I
had recently divorced and had moved with 3 teen-aged daughters to San
Antonio. They were used to having a maid three times a week and were
angry with me for moving them from their favorite place in the world.
I had believed that their father was too harsh with them and that I
could create a harmonious relationship for us all with kindness and
love. I learned different. Kids want limits and, believe it or not,
they want to be productive members of the family. The counselor at
their school taught me about contracting. We changed from a family in
which the kids didn't do anything around the house (even their own
rooms were in upheaval) and complained at every request, to one in
which they did everything, cooking, grocery buying, cleaning up,
laundry, yard work, and taking care of the animals. They said they
were my "wife" (and were gleeful that it took 3 of them to do it).
And, they requested of me if that if I couldn't keep my room neat, to
keep the door closed!
Contracting
is a way of establishing mutuality in any relationship. It can be a
way for parents to help their children gain a sense of equality
within the family as they develop. As they begin to appreciate their
role in contributing to the family, they grow in self-esteem. This is
probably the most important attribute we can give our children,
positive self-esteem. And, interestingly, as they begin to feel that
positive self-esteem, they become much easier to deal with. This
approach to contracting with children is based on behavior
modification theories and makes four assumptions:
- that
receiving rewards (i.e., reinforcement) from another person is a
privilege to be earned rather than a right.
- that,
as in the business world, reciprocity governs the interchanges.
People do something in order to get what they want. For example,
adults work for pay.
- each
exchange will have a value and the more an individual does, the
more reward he or she can gain.
- that
choice is part of the bargain. If the reward is not worth the
cost, the child has the right to decide not to perform the
behavior.
Guidelines
for developing your own family contract:
- Get
input from all family members about the rewards. Ideally, everyone
who will be affected by the contract will be involved in
developing it. This may mean certain new behaviors from the
children in the family (regular and prompt attendance at school,
getting up on time, going to bed on time, doing their homework,
cleaning up after themselves, completing certain chores, cooking
meals occasionally, sitting quietly when guests are present,
participating in conversation appropriately at dinner or family
sessions, etc.) In exchange they will receive rewards in the form
of activities that they like (going to movies, going to the mall,
talking on the telephone), privileges (e.g., staying up a half
hour later), money or certain items (CDs, videos, games,
etc.)
- Be
certain that the reward is something the child wants.
- Make
the terms of the contract clear, and put the basic contract in
writing. State what behavior is wanted and what the reward will
be. Describe the activity you want in detail. Leave no
loopholes.
- Make
the contract fair. Balance the amount of the reward with the
requirements of the job. Although the behavior may seem small to
you, the achievement of it may be enormous to the child. Keep this
in mind when considering the reward. A good "rule of thumb" is
minimum wage based on how long it takes YOU to do the job. If it
takes you an hour, and it takes the child two hours, you pay
minimum wage (or its equivalent for ONE hour.
- State
the contract in positive terms. Offer the reward for something
done, not for NOT behaving in a certain way. (For example, for
"sitting quietly when guests are present," rather than for "not
being noisy.")
- Start
small. Reward for pieces of the total job to be done. Reward
frequently with small amounts. (For example, don't offer a reward
for "cleaning the kitchen." Instead, break the job down into tasks
and reward for each: clear off the table, stack the dishes for
washing, wash the dishes, dry and put way the dishes, clean off
the cabinet top, sweep the kitchen floor, mop the kitchen floor,
clean the stove top, etc.)
- Reward
only AFTER the job is done to your satisfaction.
- Reward
accomplishments and behaviors, NOT obedience and feelings.
(Unreasoning obedience to authority is not a positive
trait&endash;consider the holocaust and the My Lai massacre. In
addition, it is extremely important, for emotional well-being, for
the child to be encouraged to express feelings, positive and
negative&endash;in a respectful manner.)
- Be
systematic with the contract.
- Establish
a system for adding items that were not included in the original
contract.
- Establish
a time for review of accomplishments periodically. Make a pleasant
ritual out of it. (Weekly works for kids 8 and older; daily is
needed for the younger children.)
- Let
the children know you are pleased with their accomplishments and
encourage them to be pleased with themselves. In the long run, the
phrase "I'm proud of you, and I'll bet you're proud of yourself,"
with a smile and a hug will do more to get
children&endash;including teenagers&endash;to repeat the desired
behaviors than the actual reward. (Children do want to please
their parents.) This does not mean you can get by without the
reward, however. The reward is what gets the behavior in the first
place!
- Remember
the element of choice. If your child chooses not to perform the
behavior, it is her/his right. You may want to rethink the reward,
to make the behavior more attractive. For example, be sure it is
something your child really wants and it is a fair reward in
exchange for the behavior.
Charting
is a good way to give the child a visual reminder of her/his
progress. Use the chart to record behaviors and give points. For
younger children, the chart itself, along with the congratulatory
words are often reward enough. List the target behaviors and put a
gold star, a large colored asterisk, or another kind of marker to
indicate success. A certain number of markers can then be exchanged
for goods or privileges at the end of the day for younger children
and at the end of the week for older youth.
To
Sample Chart