[This article was first published in the San Antonio Woman magazine, May/June 2004 issue.]
In
a recent issue of Reader's Digest, I read about a mom who was
visiting her young soldier's camp as he went through maneuvers. He
had just returned from overseas, and she was thrilled to be with him.
The command was given to run across the area with his bayonet
presented. She stood up and yelled, calling him by name, "Stop
running with that sharp knife."
Many
adult offspring are returning to live at home because of divorce,
economic downturn, loss of a job, a decision to get more education
and therefore to reduce expenses, ill health or other reasons.
Here
are some of the resulting problems I have gathered either from
clients or my own experience of having my daughter (Bev) and
granddaughter (Keely) living with us -- you don't get to know which
comes from us and which comes from clients:
So is there a key to handling these issues to make the stay as pleasant and comfortable as possible? While some, specifically the "loose ends" issues, may require the services of a therapist or a mediator for a few sessions, most can be taken care of with improved communication.
Letting resentment fester causes it to grow. When I am irritated by something someone does or says and don't say anything about it, that resentment grows into hostility and a barrier between me and the other person. People worry about offending another person and thus spoiling the relationship by what they say. It's my experience that NOT saying anything leads to a destroyed relationship from MY side of the barrier. That low barrier becomes a brick wall after a while.
Speaker-Listener Technique
Often
when two people are embroiled in an argument, and emotions are high,
neither hears what the other is saying. Each listens only long enough
to know how to jump in with her or his rebuttal. By slowing the
action down, one can hear and begin to understand what's going on
with the other person.
In
the Speaker-Listener technique, the Speaker holds the "floor." (I
give my clients a card marked "floor" which has a magnet for the
fridge.) The Speaker keeps her message concise and talks in "I"
messages. For example, "When I come into this house after working all
day, and find it as messy as it is right now, I feel angry and
disappointed. I'm asking that you pick things up and put them away
after use."
The Listener then does not respond to the message. Instead, he merely feeds it back. "You're saying when you come into the house and find it messy, you feel angry and disappointed. You want us to pick up after ourselves." After the Speaker has said everything she wants to say, the Listener gets the floor. It may be tempting to "side-track" and talk about something the other does regularly; however, it's best to stay with one topic. Clarification is important. Is this an ongoing issue? Does one do most of the cleaning, the other most of the messing? Is it a difference in slob tolerance or a difference in timing?
Problem-Solving
Once the problem is clearly identified, the two participants can move in to problem-solving mode. Instead of facing off at each other, they are on the same side of the problem, looking for a solution.
Use four areas for the problem-solving:
The creative area where brainstorming takes place. No critique is allowed. All suggestions are recorded even if they seem bizarre.
The critiquing area. Suggestions are reviewed for workability. The ones that won't work are thrown out.
The planning area. Participants choose an idea and develop a plan.
Follow-up. Participants get back together at a scheduled time to see how the plan is working.
Yes, this takes work and energy. And there's certainly a lot of energy expended in endless fussing over the way things are. A definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results."
Bev and I have established a weekly meeting to solve problems. We each keep a record through the week and take the issues in turn. That gives a cooling-down period and works much better for us than taking on problems as they come.
Bev is very helpful in caring for my parents when I am working. She drives them to the doctor and picks up their medications for them if needed. She fixes the evening meals on the days I work, and I do it on my days off and my short day.
The men do most of the cleaning up, and the one who didn't cook helps with the clearing of the tables, putting away the food, etc. We also have developed a system for the grocery buying. We have computerized the list according to the arrangement of our grocery store. We spend 30 minues [sic] on the list, then divide it, each taking half. Our goal is to finish in under an hour. Communication makes it all work. As the son of one of my clients summed it up: 'Put it on the table."
Rosemary J. Stauber, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in San Antonio and founding executive director of the Bexar County Women's Center.