In traditional families, the father was the sole breadwinner and the mother was responsible for the care of the home and children.

The Problem

Today, in most families, both parents work outside the home. Yet, the woman still takes responsibility for the care of the home and the children. She is resentful and asks/demands that he “help.”  He often resists in various ways: by refusing to do “women’s work,” by doing it hurriedly and ineffectively, or by agreeing to do it and then never getting around to it. The relationship deteriorates and, of course, the intimacy between the parents.

Stereotypically, men have been regarded as logical and women as emotional. Truly, women often are very emotional when they approach the subject of sharing chores around the house. Men, paradoxically, have not been very logical. If both are gone from the home an equal amount of time, it is logical that they equally share the responsibilities when they are home. It doesn’t matter, by the way, who makes more money, it’s the time thing.

To be fair, I think we women have done a lot to discourage men’s participation in household matters. When Bob Stauber and I were first married, we agreed, since we were both working and going to school, that we would share the housework. We lived across the street from our University and I would rush home between classes and clean up, to keep him from having to do “woman’s work.” He, by the way, did nothing to discourage that.

Some would say it was an urge to protect my “territory” that made it hard for me to share the work. I think many women today still have a hard time letting go of their “territory.” And when the man does “help,” she is likely to be hypercritical of the way he does it. Using logic, it doesn’t take him long to figure out that if he does it sloppily, she eventually will quit asking.

The solution.

When couples come to me for marital therapy, they frequently bring this one critical issue. I recommend that they sit down separately, list all of the activities that go into keeping a home and nurturing a family. Next, they compare their lists and unite them into one comprehensive list. Then, they pick the chores/duties that suit each of them or they least object to. The leftovers can be assigned by chance until each has responsibilities that require approximately an equal amount of time. It is crucial here.

It is highly appropriate for children to be included in the work that goes into making a home a home. It is an effective self-esteem builder, actually, to know that one is contributing to the family in that way. It addresses the issue of cleaning up after oneself. If everyone picks up and cleans up after him/herself, the workload is tremendously reduced. Even two year olds can participate.

And, when the woman is a stay-at-home Mom, I strongly recommend that Dad assume some of the responsibilities even though she’s home all day. Actually, it’s highly unlikely that any mom is home all day. She is likely to be running many errands, including car pools, household shopping, taking children to their various activities and lessons, etc. If the children are quite young they may place many demands are on the mother. She is likely to feel exhausted and isolated. If men want more fun, more intimacy, they will share in those after hours duties so she isn’t on call “24-7” and too exhausted to play. Sharing the care of the children will also pay off in more positive relationships with them as they mature.

Rosemary J. Stauber, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in San Antonio and founding director of the Bexar County Women’s Center.