When I was in college, I lived with my aunt and uncle who had a five year old son. Stevie had a vivid imagination and would tell wild tales for the truth. I was taking Psychology 101 and was taught that when you tell someone a story in order to get across a message, it is better not to tell the moral. Let them figure it out.
     So I told Stevie the tale of the Little Boy Who Cried Wolf. And, following my instructions, I left off the moral. He didn’t get it, though. He said, with a little intake of air and very wide, dark brown eyes “You know what? I killed a bear once!”
      When my oldest daughter, Beverly, was about three, she came home from pre-K with an upside “v” cut out of her bangs. I asked her what happened.
     She put her index finger on her chin and said “Let me guess. I went to the barbera and the barbera did it?” “Nooo,” I answered. “The teacher did it?” she offered. “Nooo,” I responded. Then she sighed a large sigh and said “I did it.”
      These are examples of the lies of early childhood. Stevie was mixed up about fantasy and reality. Bev was demonstrating what little children do when they first begin to realize that they are not part of Mommy, they are individuals, and second, wonder of wonders, Mommy doesn’t even know what they are thinking. They CAN tell lies.  It’s very much like a test for them.

Why Children Tell Lies:
       As children grow, the lies get more sophisticated and may include blaming someone else for the infraction. There are many things that may promote lying in children:  to avoid blame or punishment (the dog ate my homework), to protect privacy and foster individuation  (adolescents do this—especially when parents are too controlling and ask too many questions), to impress friends or to gain acceptance in the “in” group, because of emotional problems such as need for attention or low self-esteem, to deal with demands of adults, to cover up more serious problems (drugs, alcohol, sexual acting out etc.), to get something they want (all of the other children have one). 

What parents can do:
     Remember that you are a Role Model for your children. Talk to them about the importance of honesty and the value of having others trust them.
     Model honesty and truth-telling. Don’t lie for your children, nor ask them to lie for you. (As in giving them an excuse for missing school when they weren’t sick or  “tell him I’m not here” when you don’t want to talk to the caller.)
     Remain calm when approaching the problem. A lie does NOT mean your child is destined to become a chronic liar or criminal. All of us lie in our lifetime (remember those “white” lies you have told) and all children lie a few times in their lives.
     When you learn about some infraction, approach it openly. Let the child know that you are aware that there was an infraction. Allow him to think about it and then tell his side of the story. Don’t set a trap.
     Differentiate “discipline” from “punishment” in that discipline intends to teach and punishment intends to hurt. It is far more important to teach the lesson than to inflict pain. Involving a child in setting consequences can be a learning experience for all and helps to keep the lines of communication open for future problems.
     And most important of all, set a goal to keep the lines of communication open. The more open the lines of communication, the healthier the relationship.
     While lying is not good, it isn’t the end of the world either. Guard against over-reacting. This is a teaching opportunity, make the most of it. It is important to let your children know that when they come to you with the truth, you will back them up when they are in trouble. If they lie first, they are more likely to find they are on their own.

Rosemary J. Stauber, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in San Antonio and founding director of the Bexar County Women’s Center.